I’m a Failure

When I walked away from my budding career in pharmacy, after 4 years of undergrad + 3 years of grad + a year of residency, it didn’t happen suddenly. ‘I’ll take some time off before looking for a job.’ Months pass while I scribble ideas for game projects on my handheld whiteboard.

Thinking back on residency would spike my anxiety- months of hospital shifts and appointments with patients. I still remember mistakes I made after nights of little sleep, and I can hear the voice of my preceptor scolding me. Struggling to remember what it was all for.

That was 3 years ago. I haven’t worked a day as a pharmacist since.

I’ve been creative as long as I can remember. I grew up drawing maps of the forest behind my house, and writing weird little stories in school notebooks. Throughout college and graduate school, working on game projects was an escape. And at a certain point, it became the only way I kept myself intact.

Residency broke me. The expectation and constant stress drove me to question everything. Suddenly nothing was off the table because I’d never been through anything worse than what I was going through. And to this day, I never stop to wonder what would’ve been if I hadn’t been broken- because I already know.

I’d be a busy pharmacist. Maybe I’d have landed that hospital job in behavioral health, or maybe I’d be working outpatient at a small hospital. And maybe I’d be content, debt-free, and making my family proud.

Thank God for failure.

In the last 3 years, I’ve had a number of failed game projects, all the while learning how to abstract mechanics, sharpening my programming skills, composing music, and writing stories. Life in this space is busy, challenging, and ever-changing. And I couldn’t be happier.